A Machine That Turns Water into Cocaine
HYPOTHESIS
October 1 —
I’ve set out to accomplish the impossible. I’m going to invent a machine that turns water into cocaine! Jesus turned water into wine, but I will be the first to turn water into cocaine.
I got the idea from a throwaway joke in an episode of the TV show American Dad. Without over-explaining it, the joke basically implies that the CIA secretly possesses a collection of “many illegal items,” including a “machine that turns water into cocaine” (which is probably true).
Like I said, it’s a throwaway joke (and kind of a stupid one too, but whatever). But it got me thinking…
A wise man once said, “Cocaine is one hell of a drug.” This is true (I can speak from experience). There’s a reason cocaine is one of the most popular drugs in the entire world — because it’s fucking awesome. Being high on cocaine feels amazing, and anybody who says otherwise doesn’t know what they’re talking about.
I’m clean from cocaine now. My journey to recovery was an arduous one. I haven’t touched the stuff in years. However, I used to be the reigning King of Cocaine. I was doing way too much coke back then — it must have been a lifetime’s worth. Over the years, cocaine has caused me a great deal of misery and suffering.
But I do miss it. I’m lying if I say I don’t. Cocaine is a manic pixie dream girl — she may be fun to sleep with, but deep down you know she’ll only break your heart in the end. Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened. But nevertheless, nostalgia lingers…
However, such a machine would be a game changer. No longer would I have to worry about silly responsibilities like finances. Cocaine is expensive, and the high is short and fleeting, so money is the main hurdle when it comes to maintaining a stable coke habit. But I can change all of that.
Such a machine would be a revolutionary breakthrough.
It would forever change the way we manufacture cocaine. We wouldn’t have to source cocaine from peasant farmers in South America — now it would be “fair trade” coke, as coffee brands say. The Mexican drug cartels would go bankrupt overnight. And no longer would you have to drive to the hood and wait outside a rundown trap-house for your sketchy dealer to sell you cocaine that’s been laced with laxatives. Cocaine is a basic human right that should be as attainable to the average American as clean water is.
Furthermore, such a machine would do wonders for the quality control of cocaine. This is a major public health concern, yet it is continually ignored by the scientific and medical communities alike. Lately, cocaine has received a bad reputation for being impure and unsafe — and that’s a damn shame. Too many people are dying needless, preventable deaths. But I can change all that for the better.
This is a highly confidential matter. Top secret. I must keep these experiments hidden from my girlfriend. Under no circumstances can she discover my experiments! She just wouldn’t understand. It would be like cheating if she ever found out I was messing around again with the lovely lady in white.
But I will tell her when the time is right. I promise…
WEIRD SCIENCE
October 2 —
My childhood dream was to become a doctor. Not because I wanted to help people, but because I wanted to change the world.
After finishing my undergraduate studies in chemistry and mechanical engineering, I applied to several medical schools, but they all rejected me, specifically citing my personal statement as their reason for doing so. For example, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine sent me back a handwritten letter calling me a “quack” — and Harvard Medical School served me a cease-and-desist letter asking me to never contact them again. I was furious. All this trouble over a silly personal statement? It was ridiculous. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea for me to mention in my personal statement that my inspiration for pursuing medicine was the story “Herbert West — Reanimator” by H. P. Lovecraft.
Ultimately, my aspirations for medical school didn’t pan out, so instead I focused myself on graduate studies — perhaps academia was my true calling. I enrolled in a sketchy correspondence school — it’s all I could afford at the time — and earned a master’s degree in bioethics. From there, I won a generous scholarship to pursue a PhD in neurology at a proper university. I dedicated myself to my studies night and day, quickly advancing through the program. I was so close to finishing, but the review board screwed me over in the end, refusing to award me a PhD. It was the most shameful failure of my entire career. When I presented my dissertation, the board members were appalled by my research on the phenomenon of psychokinesis and its possible military application. They didn’t even give me the chance to defend my research — they just laughed at me. I was subsequently blacklisted from academia. My dreams were once again shattered.
But I wouldn’t be discouraged. Despite the many setbacks, I remained unfettered in my ruthless pursuit of science.
Next, I applied for grants in hopes of starting my own medical research laboratory. After sending many applications, I won a federal grant to fund my studies, but it was swiftly revoked once the government caught wind of what I was doing with their money — searching for a method of achieving immortality via cellular genetic modification (and I was sooo close too). My research abruptly ended, and I was forced to shut down my lab in shame and start from scratch again.
This failure made me realize that I must work outside of the system and forge my own path forward. I would have to do it my way.
My scientific literacy helped me get my current job at a downtown patent processing office. I took the job purely out of necessity. On the side, I moonlight as an amateur engineer. I set up a makeshift laboratory inside my drab studio apartment to work on my inventions. My new goal is to invent a world-changing gadget and win the Nobel Peace Prize. Then everyone will finally see my genius.
The mainstream medical and scientific communities may have shunned and ostracized me — but I’ll prove them wrong. I’ll prove them all wrong…
“RESEARCH CHEMICALS”
October 3 —
I must admit, my inventions haven’t seen much success thus far. I always think of grand, novel ideas, but then I eventually find myself limited by the scope of what’s possible with current technology.
But my Magic Cocaine Machine will be different. It will be the breakthrough success I need to gain the recognition and praise I deserve.
My greatest inventions are the “research chemicals” I produce as a drug chemist. Using my homemade chemistry lab, I synthesize various drugs, including MDMA, MDA, LSD, PCP, GHB, K2, ether, mescaline, methamphetamine, and a plethora of LSD derivatives. I’ve even synthesized rare, niche drugs with cryptic, fake-sounding names like “bath salts” and “plant food.”
But I’ve also invented a few unique designer drugs of my own — the most popular of these drugs being a compound I named “Dandy,” which is like a cross between Dilaudid, diazepam, and dextroamphetamine (but with a wayyy better high).
I sell these designer drugs to my friends and acquaintances for extra money to fund my secret passion projects. But I must admit I occasionally use these drugs myself. I may be clean from cocaine, but everything else is fair game as far as I’m concerned. I never was a fan of that old golden rule — “Never Get High On Your Own Supply.” That one is more of a guideline.
Furthermore, I sell drugs out of a deep-rooted libertarian instinct. I believe it’s an act of black-market revolution against The System. I favor a laissez-faire drug policy. Easy access to recreational drugs is a fundamental right of every honest working American. All drugs should be legal for recreational use and readily available. All drugs — yes, even the scary ones like cocaine. Especially cocaine.
It’s not the government’s job to regulate drugs. People should make their own choices — the government can’t decide these things for them. Give me ONE good reason why Joe Six-Pack shouldn’t be allowed to purchase an eight-ball from his local pharmacy (over the counter) — you can’t.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. We could end the failed War on Drugs. We could pardon all nonviolent drug offenders and halt the militarization of police. A better future is possible if you believe in it.
I digress.
ALCHEMY
October 4 —
Yes, by my estimation it could be possible to transform water into cocaine — if only in theory. My new life’s mission is to put that theory into practice — but how?
I spent hours reading dense texts about chemistry before I realized I may need to explore alternative pathways. If conventional science couldn’t provide me with an answer, then perhaps it was time for me to begin dabbling in the dark arts…
Which brings me to alchemy.
Merriam-Webster defines alchemy as “a medieval chemical science and speculative philosophy aiming to achieve the transmutation of the base metals into gold, the discovery of a universal cure for disease, and the discovery of a means of indefinitely prolonging life.”
Modern science has rejected alchemy, labeling it “pseudoscience.” But I’m open to the possibility of it. If I’m going to invent this Magic Cocaine Machine, alchemy seems to be the only logical pathway to success. Thus, my hypothesis presupposes the possibility of alchemy as a tangible science.
I studied countless esoteric texts about the ancient science known as “natural philosophy.” I learned about the “Philosopher’s Stone” — a mythical substance with transmutative powers. If it has the power to turn lead into gold, then it must be capable of turning water into cocaine. Upon a cursory review of the available literature, I surmised that my hypothesis was not just a shot in the dark — it may be possible after all.
THE PHILOSOPHER’S STONE
October 8 —
I did it! I discovered the Philosopher’s Stone!
I can’t go into any detail — a magician never reveals his secrets. But I will at least divulge that my process involves distilling a tincture out of various elements. The resulting tincture is waxy, golden, and glowing with bright yellow light. It looks like sappy, amber honey.
This is a huge breakthrough. Now that I’ve discovered the Philosopher’s Stone, it’s only a matter of time until I crack the code to the Magic Cocaine Machine…
SUSPICIOUS MINDS
October 9 —
I think my girlfriend is on to me…
I had a close call today and was almost discovered. She came into my apartment unannounced (I hate it when she does that). In a rushed panic, I threw a plastic tarp over my workbench to conceal my clandestine operations.
“Hey, babe, what are you working on?”
“Nothing.”
She reached for the tarp, but I slapped her hand away. “Don’t touch it!”
“Hey! What’s your problem?”
“No peeking! Not until it’s ready. Then you can see. Not any sooner.”
“Ooo, sounds mysterious. Is it a surprise for me?”
“Sure.”
“I can’t wait to see it…”
AQUATIC ALCHEMY
October 10 —
I’ve done it! By God, I’ve done it!
Through a lengthy process of trial and error, at last I’ve perfected the Magic Cocaine Machine. I constructed it out of a five-gallon office water cooler, a crockpot, a humidifier, a dehumidifier, a condenser, a car battery, and a catalytic converter (among other various items).
Without giving away my valuable trade secrets, let me explain how the Magic Cocaine Machine works. The process involves evaporating the water into cocaine bricks. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think the bricks of cocaine came directly from Colombia. The whole thing is flawless! First, the Machine siphons the water through the humidifier. Then it pumps the water back through the dehumidifier. Next, it filters the water into the central heating chamber — that’s where the magic happens! Inside the central heating chamber, the water cycles through a proprietary treatment method. I won’t elaborate much on this process, but I will say it involves boiling the water until only cocoa paste remains. The cocoa paste goes into the crockpot for ten minutes. Remove and let cool for five minutes. And voila, the water is now 100% pure powder cocaine!
Furthermore, my cocaine is environmentally friendly. The Machine works without producing any harmful chemical emissions or waste byproducts. I’m not sure what this means, but it’s surely an upside.
Before I could declare the Magic Cocaine Machine a total success, I first needed to sample the product for myself. Just this one time won’t hurt. It’s not like I’m going to relapse…
I dabbed my thumb in the cocaine and rubbed it on my gums. My mouth went numb. It had the unmistakable taste of cocaine. I missed that taste.
But will it pass the sniff test? I used a scalpel to scoop up a sizable bump and sniffed it.
It’s the purest Cocaine I’ve ever consumed! My face is numb. I’m sweating profusely. My heart is skipping beats. My two front teeth feel like they’re going to fall out. My face feels like it’s going to melt off my skull!
I couldn’t have just one bump. I sniffed another bump and another and another, etc. Then I laid out three lines of cocaine and snorted them.
I’ll return soon with updates. In the meantime, I’m going to sample more of this Cocaine — for research purposes, of course.
All my Life, so-called “doctors” & “scientists” have laughed at me — well who’s laughing now?
RELAPSE
October 11 —
Snorting 1 gram Cocaine every hour. If I go longer than that w/o Cocaine, I get dizzy, sweaty, shaky, & anxious. Good thing I have an endless supply of it.
I’ve lost my appetite. I haven’t eaten anything since I invented the Magic Cocaine Machine. Food repulses me. Instead, I’ve been drinking protein shakes & Mtn. Dew for my daily caloric intake. Oh well — it’s healthier this way. And I’ve been trying to lose weight anyway, so I don’t mind.
But on the bright side, I’ve never felt so much inspiration! My mind is running at a million miles per minute! I feel like GOD!
TELEPATHIC TYPEWRITER
October 13 —
Cocaine has unlocked my creative mind & given me laser focus & vicious ambition. I used to never be able to finish any of the projects I started. For whatever reason, I couldn’t make the breakthroughs that I needed to. But when I’m high on coke, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
In a burst of coke-fueled inspiration, I stayed up all day & night crafting my next invention — a Telepathic Typewriter.
The device consists of a good, old-fashioned electric typewriter, which is linked to my home Wi-Fi router. The typewriter syncs to my brain waves via a headband fitted w/ a tiny transmitter antenna, which sends signals from my cerebral cortex to the typewriter. Furthermore, I’ve rigged a spring-loaded mechanism to automatically refill new pages of paper into the typewriter. Basically, the Telepathic Typewriter frees up my hands for things that are more important than writing — like cutting up lines of coke. I know it sounds needlessly complex — and maybe it is — but I don’t care. From this point forward, I’m writing all my journal entries this way.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET
October 15 —
Going thru an 8-ball every hour now, && I’ve never felt more lucid in My entire Life…!!
I’ve been hard @ work on My newest brilliant Ideas include X-ray vision blue light glasses, a microphone that allows Humans to communicate w/ Dogs, & a Hyper-Realistic Hydraulic Sex Robot. I haven’t perfected any of these Excellent ideas yet, but I’m getting close.
I’m sooo tired & hungry but can’t stop sniffing coke long enough to sleep or eat. It’s a minor trade-off for greatness. Besides, I’m finally having success w/ My Inventions, & it’s ALL thx to Cocaine. I’m NOTHING w/o Cocaine. I Can’t/Won’t Stop Now…
I’ve been Thinking long & hard about how to reveal my Magic Cocaine Machine to the scientific “community.” I dreamt of the fame and fortune it would bestow upon me, but I’m starting to think maybe the World isn’t ready for my invention. They just wouldn’t understand or appreciate its Power. So, I’m not going to tell anybody about my Machine. It’ll be my Dirty, Little Secret…
BREAKUP
October 16 —
I fucked up today. My girlfriend left me.
She found out what I’ve been up to recently. It was only a matter of time. I’ve been acting strange around her recently, but the worst of it was today… She came over to my apartment unannounced again, & I was caught red-handed w/ White Powder all over my face & my nose buried in a mountain of Cocaine.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“It’s not what it looks like — I can explain.”
“Explain what?!”
“It’s science, I’m doing science right now!”
“Are you being fucking serious right now?”
“Babe, you’ve got to listen to me, I — ”
“What’s all this?” she asked, looking at the Magic Cocaine Machine & the bricks of Cocaine stacked beside it.
“It’s my Invention, babe! It turns water into Cocaine! We can make as much coke as we want, and it’s all for free! It’s a Gold Rush! We’re going to be Rich! I’m going to be Famous! Can you believe it, babe?”
“You’re a monster!” She started crying & stormed out of my apartment.
She just doesn’t understand. But she will soon enough. I’ve set out to invent a Love Potion. It’s the only way I can get her back!
I’ve already accomplished so much w/ the Philosopher’s Stone, certainly it must be The Key to concocting a Love Potion. Anything is possible with the Philosopher’s Stone (&& Cocaine).
LOVE POTION
October 17 —
Tried working on the Love Potion but got distracted cutting line after line after line of coke. Lost track of what I was doing & decided to call it quits. There’s just something mesmerizing about the manic ritual of chopping up coke and cutting it into perfect lines. I’ll get back to work after I’ve snorted more cocaine. Maybe.
Gf stopped by to collect a few of her things she left @ my apartment. I begged her to pls understand, pls take me back! But she was repulsed by me. When she saw me, she gasped & covered her mouth in shock. “You look like absolute shit. This whole place is a shithole. I never want to see you again.”
BODY HORROR
October 31 —
Woke up from another blackout w/ my face caked in too much blood. It’s not the first time…
I can’t snort coke anymore w/o SEVERE nosebleeds. I wonder if my brain is bleeding out thru my nose. There’s coagulated blood all over my apartment — the place looks like a fucking murder scene. Also, I’m losing my sense of smell. But this hasn’t stopped me from sniffing Cocaine anyway…
Since inventing the Magic Cocaine Machine, I’ve snorted 2 kilos so far. I’ve also dropped 50 lbs. since then. None of my clothes fit me anymore, so now I only wear a fuzzy, white bathrobe. My front tooth fell out — the rest are chipped from grinding & clenching my jaw nonstop like a nutcracker. My fingernails are flaking off in brittle chunks. My hair is falling out in thick clumps. My oily skin is jaundiced & scabbed all over. My eyes look like sunken, black circles b/c of the dark rings of baggy, puffy skin under my eyes. Acne, cold sores, & a scraggly, silver beard cover the rest of my face.
I have one of those mirrored trays for snorting cocaine. When I went to snort more coke, I saw my reflection in the mirrored tray. Disgusted by my own appearance, I smashed all the mirrors in my apartment in a dramatic fit of coke-fueled rage, unable to stomach the sight of my own reflection.
My humanity is slipping away. My appearance grows more grotesque w/ each passing day. I fear I’ll soon cease to look human any longer…
CRACKED
Tuesday —
SMOKING CRACK IS FUCKING AWESOME!
I know that sounds crazy but let me explain.
My nosebleeds are so bad that I can’t snort coke anymore. Doing so makes me sneeze thick gobs of snotty blood. I can’t breathe thru my nostrils or smell anything at all anymore.
Unable to get my fix, I was having VIOLENT withdrawals — nausea, vomiting, cold sweats, tremors, seizures, blackouts, etc.
I needed my MEDICINE…
I was forced to choose another way to consume coke. I’m averse to needles (ironic for someone who once wanted to be a Dr.), so injecting it wasn’t an option. The next best alternative is Smoking it.
To be Smoked, powdered Cocaine must have its hydrochloride removed, thereby increasing its melting point. This can be achieved via a process called “Freebasing.” The Result is Pure Cocaine Crystals (“Crack Rocks”). It sounds complex, but it’s so easy that even street-level gangbangers can do it.
I placed a Crack Rock on some tinfoil && held a lighter under it. The Rock evaporated into Vapor, which I inhaled thru a glass tube (a method known as “CHASING THE DRAGON”). It Hit me like a Runaway Freight Train! Instant Bliss…
So, I’m FREEBASING all my coke now!
The Benefit of Smoking Crack vs. Snorting coke is a rapid onset of Effects, dramatically intensifying the HIGH. Technically, freebase cocaine is different from crack cocaine, but I’m using the terms interchangeably because who the fuck cares.
Now that I Have the Superpower of SMOKING CRACK, I Can Do Anything! THE WORLD IS MINE! I’m a GOD! I’m Going to Win the Nobel Peace Prize! I’ll Show Them! I’ll Show Them All…
STRUNG OUT
Sunday(?) —
No sleep 2 weeks straight. Is ok — don’t need sleep. If I fall asleep now, I may never wake up again.
Much has changed since my last journal entry.
My nose fell off. I snorted 1 too many lines, & it fucking fell off my face and into the pile of coke I was snorting. Classic case of Chronic Nose Rot. After the initial panic wore off, I wrapped my rotten, disembodied nose in a towel & put it in the freezer. Maybe will try to reattach it later?
My crusty lips are permanently stained White. They’re chapped & cracking. I fear they’ll be the next to go…
Can’t find my glasses. Tore up the whole fucking place just looking 4 them b4 I realized I can’t even wear them anymore on account of my missing nose. Oh well — I’ll adapt.
I haven’t heard from my (ex-) gf since she left the other day. Fuck that bitch. Who needs her anyway.
SHADOW-STALKERS
4:04 a.m. —
I’m losing touch with reality. My mind is deteriorating. My short-term memory has gone to shit. It interferes w/ my work. I had another idea 4 an invention but forgot it b4 I could write it down. This keeps happening. It’s forced me to pause my experiments. Now, I may never finish developing a Love Potion. It’s just…
…uh…what was I saying again…?
Maybe ~SMOKING CRACK~ will jog my Memory I Think??? Brb…
WHISPERS — coming from EVERYWHERE. THEY are Coming for my Magic Cocaine Machine! They want to take it from me. But I won’t let them. It’s MINE! Nobody can take what’s Mine!
I taped black trash bags over all the windows & barricaded the door w/ the couch. But I still hear THEM whispering wicked words 2 Me thru the walls…
My Shadow is Following Me. Even in the darkness I can see it, always right behind me. I’m Seeing Shadows in My Peripherals, but When I Turn to Look, There’s Nothing There…?? Why Won’t THEY Away & leave me alone?!
THEY Hide in the Walls. THEY Hide Everywhere. Always Watching…
Day & Night Without Sleep Blurs the Line Between Days. Everything Since the 1st Batch of Cocaine Has Felt Like 1 Long, Continuous Day. Sometimes I Pretend to Sleep & Try to Feel “Normal” Again. I Switch Off the Lights & Lie Down w/ My Eyes Closed & Wait 4 the Sun to Come Up & Don’t Move Until I Hear the Hustle & Bustle of My Neighbors Leaving 4 Their Jobs in the Morning. I Remember How I Once Used to Be 1 of Them. But That Was a Long Time Ago. I’m Not Even a Person Anymore. I’ve Turned into a Monster. That’s what I am now.
CREEPY CRAWLIES. Under my Skin. So Itchy. Scratched Myself Raw & Picked the Scabs Off & Ate Them. Later, I’ll attempt a Homemade Bug Removal Self-Surgery…
Bones, Meat, Blood, & Bugs — that’s all that’s left of Me.
(BEES!)
(BEES In My TEETH!!)
(Help Me Get These BEES Out of My TEETH!!!)
Wow!!! cocAine :)) !!! WoWoW… BB 69k 0.420% (KILL“GOD”NOW) zzz… WTFFF cokecokecoke… (!!!EM PLEH, DOG!!!) “yyayayyy…?!” coco-pls/ hehe /// yo-yo fuXXX.helpplzkillme… WHAT HAVE I DONE; who am i…? re: FUCK… heheheh…! ;)
DRAUGHT
??? —
NO WATER. UTILITY COMPANY SHUT IT OFF TODAY. OR MAYBE IT WAS YESTERDAY? CAN’T REMEMBER. NONPAYMENT OR SOMETHING. DON’T KNOW, DON’T CARE…
NO MORE CRACK LEFT. SMOKED IT ALL. EVEN THE WHITE CRUMBS THAT I PICKED OUT OF THE CARPET. RESORTED TO DRAINING THE WATER FROM MY TOILET TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY BATCH. BUT THAT’S ALL GONE NOW TOO…
I NEED CRACK ASAP! WHAT DO??? CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. IT’S TOO DANGEROUS OUT THERE. SURROUNDED BY SHADOW-STALKERS…
CAN’T LEAVE HERE EVEN IF I WANTED TO. CAN’T EVEN MUSTER THE STRENGTH TO STAND UP. TOO SICK. PURE PAIN. FEELS LIKE DYING. I NEED MY MEDICINE…
MUST… GET… WATER…
NEED… WATER…
WATER…