Mandatory Meth:
The “Speedy” Solution America Needs Right Now!

THEY FEED US POISON! — SO THAT WE BUY THEIR “CURES” — WHILE THEY SUPPRESS OUR MEDICINE!

8 min readApr 11, 2023

While in college, I studied politics, economics, and law (or, collectively, “lying, cheating, and stealing”). When I told my fellow students this information, the most frequently asked question I received was always: “Can you help me beat the charge for underage drinking that I got last weekend?”

The answer is no, I’m not an attorney.

The next most common question I received was: “Are you going to run for President someday?”

Let me tell ya, folks, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me if I want to run for President, then I would actually be able to afford to fund a presidential campaign!

Sure, running for President is an expensive, exhaustive, and all-consuming process. It’s not as glamorous as you’d be inclined to think. A standard day on the campaign trail typically involves lots of difficult work, like kissing babies, giving hand-jobs, and eating fried dough at the Iowa State Fair. Very few people are cut out for the job.

But I think I have what it takes.

Yes, me.

I would be the obvious frontrunner right out the gate. I would be a master of persuasion on the campaign trail. I can see it now: Massive rallies — purely grassroots, of course — mobilized together to see me. My primetime stump speech would go a little something like this:

“If I am elected President of the United States, my first act in office will be to secretly pump amphetamines into the water supply, ya know, for The Greater Good! Just imagine it with me now: productivity would skyrocket, obesity rates would plummet. Plus, everything would be so neat and tidy all the time!”

Of course, I would have to start the speech by recounting why I entered this race in the first place. I spoke with the Judeo-Christian God, and He has called upon me specifically to carry out His mission. And what is His mission? To covertly dose every blue-blooded American with high-grade speed.

I know, I know! I know what you’re thinking. I know it sounds crazy, but think about it! Just think about it for a moment. Just think…

Productivity would skyrocket; obesity rates would plummet; plus, everything would be so neat and tidy. The utilitarian benefit for the many would vastly outweigh any of the consequences. Here me out on this one…

My policy proposal is simple: Mandatory Meth.

My 3-Point Plan for Mandatory Meth will bring America into a new era of global prosperity. These are the three core points to my thesis:

1. Improve the economy;

2. Solve the obesity epidemic; and

3. Clean up our streets.

Don’t worry — this isn’t any old self-glorifying political crusade. I have specific, actionable solutions (which I will not elaborate on in any certain terms).

Historical Precedent

Before I outline my 3-Point Plan, here is a “quickly” annotated history of speed laying out the historical precedent we have for widespread stimulant abuse.

Amphetamine (“speed”) was synthetically created in 1887 and methamphetamine (“meth” or, collectively, “speed”) was created in 1893. By the 1930s, amphetamine found its first popularity in the form of Benzedrine inhalers to treat asthma and bronchial illness. Soon thereafter, people realized you could get a kick-ass buzz from abusing amphetamines. Speed is a stimulant which produces effects such as increased energy, confidence, and euphoria, as well as decreased appetite and need for sleep (making it the perfect drug for winning at life).

With the onset of World War II, governments and militaries around the world realized speed allowed you to work hard while you party hard. Stimulants had application value in World War II, when they were used by Nazis, Kamikazes, and Uncle Sam. Today, the U.S. Military still uses the atypical stimulant, Modafinil, to combat fatigue while they combat the “terrorists.”

Amphetamine only continued to grow in popularity during the post-war years, when it was used by truckers, beatniks, dirty hippies, biker gangs, and the like. The drug was even popular among mid-century housewives for weight loss management (more on that later). By the 1980s, it became commonplace to give your kids Ritalin (a mild form of amphetamine which is highly effective at making children sit down and shut up). In the 21st-century, amphetamine found new application as a “study drug” among college students seeking an edge on exams.

Speed is available in a variety of iterations, including prescription ADHD medicines like Adderall, Ritalin, Vyvanse, etc. (and there’s even true medical meth, prescribed under the brand name Desoxyn). Beyond traditional prescription drugs, speed exists in street forms as crystal meth, MDMA, kitchen crank, exotic strains like yaba and khat, plus an ever-growing canon of designer drugs.

Let’s rewind to where it all went wrong. Amphetamine use peaked in the 1950s and 60s. Back when we were a proper country. We had a great thing going there for a while. It was 1969 and everything was perfect in America at the time. But with the passage of the Controlled Substance Act in 1970, the Golden Age of Speed came to a tragic end. Under the Controlled Substances Act, amphetamine was classified first as a Schedule III drug, then as a Schedule II drug a year later in 1971.

Today, it remains a Schedule II drug, which shows how little progress we have made with our drug policy in this supposedly modern, liberal country. Because of the federal government’s overreach, meth is no longer locally sourced by honest, hardworking white supremacist prison gangs; instead, meth is manufactured in super-labs and pumped full of MSG and fluoride by Mexicans and Chinese.

And that’s the name of the game: They feed us poison! — so that we buy their “cures” — while they suppress our medicine!

1. Improving the Economy

Workplace Productivity — This first point is fairly intuitive. Research and anecdotal evidence have shown that amphetamine use improves focus, information retention, memory recollection, and performance across a wide array of professional, educational, and military settings. Furthermore, it increases energy levels and promotes wakefulness. In fact, certain stimulants, such as Modafinil, are approved by the FDA for treatment of narcolepsy and work-shift fatigue.

Under my proposed policy of mandatory meth, the economy would see a historic boost due to the skyrocketing rates of workplace productivity. Imagine the possibilities when every working-age American can work around the clock all the time, including overtime, weekends, and holidays — the 80-hour work week will be our new normal.

Great ideas are born out of speed — there is a reason people use lightbulbs to smoke crystal meth.

2. Solving the Obesity Epidemic

Obesity Rates — Let me be real here for a moment. It’s sad to say, but America is the fattest country in the world — it is the only place in the world where you could film a show titled My 600-lb Life. Everybody knows that obesity in America is a serious epidemic, but nobody wants to acknowledge the big, fat elephant in the room. According to the CDC, the obesity rate is currently more than 40% and the trend suggests it will only continue to increase unless we do something about it.

Open your eyes: The answer is right in front of us.

Among the most frequent side-effects of amphetamines is appetite suppression. As previously mentioned, there is precedent for this. Previously, doctors throughout the twentieth century have prescribed amphetamine “diet pills” to manage obesity. In fact, certain forms of amphetamine, such as Vyvanse, have been approved by the FDA for the treatment of binge-eating disorder and it is frequently prescribed for such use.

Body positivity has gone too far. What happened to us? This country was founded on the basic principle of maintaining a hot little body. It’s time for America to get its beach body ready for the summer!

3. Cleaning up our Streets

Neat & Tidy — Let’s face it, folks — America has a litter problem. But I have a solution: Meth-heads. Have you ever seen a tweaker blasted out of their mind on some primo glass? That shit will have you vacuuming the curtains at 2:00 AM. There’s something magical about meth that compels users to tinker around and tidy up things. Repetitive household chores, like cleaning, become the most interesting thing in the world.

I know it may seem silly to crusade against litter, but declaring a War on Litter is one actionable step we can take toward protecting the environment. Additionally, the War on Litter means beautification of the public outdoors, which means tangible results.

Under my proposed plan, a majority of the litter you see outside today would vanish overnight — a fleet of industrious junkies would swoop through in the night and collect all the aluminum cans (almost like precariously toothless Tooth Fairies) to sell for pennies on the pound at your local recycling center. We must look to entrepreneurial solutions, rather than big government, for our saving grace.

Boom! — Problem solved.

Conclusion

Millions of Americans lack basic access to speed (“healthcare”). Make no mistake, ladies & gentlemen, this is a national public health crisis. This is the single most important issue facing Americans today, which is troubling because it affects us all, regardless of race, religion, or class. And yet, it continues to be ignored by the creepy elites in Washington.

(Besides the moral imperative to legalize speed, it’s a killer high! Plain and simple as that, baby!)

I won’t stand for it any longer! I can no longer stand by idly while the country I love is corrupted beyond recognition. What we require is a certified American patriot — such as myself — to take on the contemporary challenges facing the free world. My 3-Point Plan is our only hope at reviving our country. My campaign is our last shot to Save America.

For these reasons, ladies & gentlemen, I am officially running for President of the United States. U-S-A! U-S-A!! U-S-A!!!